Lazy Metacritics

In part one of the series, I will use my BULLOMETER to test individual Metacritic ratings (without reading the full reviews) for Fergie's The Dutchess. I don't know who wrote these and I'm not particularly interested in the expressed opinion, won't discount a rating I disagree with. The meter has three readings: PASS, FAIL, and ERROR (for times when it's too tough to call).

FERGIE: THE DUTCHESS
METACRITIC RATING: 52
USER RATING: 38

♥ 83, Entertainment Weekly: Though not every track is a gem, The Dutchess reaches further than most albums by contemporary divas.

PASS. Sort of. Although the context might clarify who these "contemporary divas" are. Better than P!nk? Jojo? Beyonce? And anyway I don't think she "reaches further" than any of those artists even if this album might be better. Though I'm not even sure of that.

♥ 75, The Phoenix: An eclectic, danceable collection of hip-hop, R&B, and pop confections.

PASS. (Barely.) Bland capsule but couldn't be sure if that's Phoenix or Metacritic's doing.

♥ 70, Rolling Stone: A shameless solo debut full of Eighties-style electro bangers.

FAIL. The album is neither shameless (there's plenty of shame if you keep listening to the second half!) nor full of "Eighties-style electro bangers." I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean.

♥ 70, Dot Music: Where the likes of [Gwen] Stefani and co manage to tie eclectic albums together with the strength of their personality, Fergie never actually comes close to showing what she really sounds like, leaving "The Dutchess" as an exceptionally random R&B mixtape.

ERROR. She comes very close to showing what she really sounds like. I'm not sure if she had another option. The Dutchess is both exceptional and random, but this person makes it sound derogatory. Besides which, Fergie "eclectic" 2006 > Gwen "eclectic" 2006.

♥ 60, NOW Magazine: Basically, if London Bridge doesn't make you want to rip your ears off, you'll enjoy almost 80 per cent of the album.

FAIL. Nothing on this album sounds anything at all like "London Bridge." Ripping one's ears off is no indication of enjoying anything else on the album, let alone 80% of it. Making up random percentages to aid sarcastic dismissals is 98% lame.

♥ 60, Prefix Mag: Fergie is talented enough to compete with the likes of Gwen Stefani and Christina Aguilera, but the material on The Dutchess won't take her to those heights.

PASS. But I disagree. They will all come to Fergie (Gwen down, Xtina to go).

♥ 58, E! Online: Exactly as gratingly infectious as you might expect.

FAIL. This album is not what you'd expect if you've followed Fergie's music up to "London Bridge." Some of it is infectious, but none of it is particularly grating. Bottom line here (as with a few other FAILs) is that the author has projected his/her perception of "London Bridge" onto the entire album, fatal mistake.

♥ 50, Slant Magazine: The album too often seems to be striving to display diversity at the expense of artistry.

FAIL. Why is "diversity" a trade-off for "artistry"? And anyway, the album displays both traits just fine. All tracks co-written by Ms. Ferguson, artiste.

♥ 50, LA Times: The problem is the Duchess herself. Fergie exudes earthy charm, but can't keep up with the breakneck music. She forces emotion on the slower show-stoppers, and she's all cartoon kitten on the come-ons. [17 Sep 2006]

ERROR. omg don't they have copyeditors its DUTCHESS helloooo... Her earthy charm (?) is too slow for the breakneck pace (?), but the forced emotion (?), apparently devoid of earthy charm, kills the slow pace, too. Which must be why those songs stop the show; it's just inertia...Fergie could have cheated and said she was going so slow that she was going backwards. She's also a cartoon kitten that wants to have sex with you on the midtempo numbers.

♥ 50, Blender: She keeps the tone light and playful, but her shopaholic-hottie raps seem written for someone with less emotional baggage. [Nov 2006, p.145]

FAIL. Totally clueless. 1) SHE WROTE most of the raps. Or co-wrote. 2) That "emotional baggage" is what gives her that earthy charm...er...it's what makes a lot of the songs work, at least the ones that aren't like the first three songs on the album (wait, what does "emotional baggage" mean? Sung with emotion or something in the tabloids that I'm unaware of?) 3) shopaholic-hottie raps?

♥ 50, Vibe: When [Fergie] nails it--as she does about half the time on her genre-jumbling solo debut--the result is strange pop that successfully blurs the thin line between annoying and alluring. [Nov 2006, p.160]

PASS. With flying colors, this is dead on! Not sure how that blurb merits a 50 score, though (maybe because it happens on half the songs? But 50% success on an album isn't necessarily a 50 score).

♥ 40, New York Times: It’s essentially a Black Eyed Peas album with two fewer rappers. That’s an improvement: two down, two to go. [18 Sep 2006]

FAIL. Sounds nothing at all like a Black Eyed Peas album with two fewer rappers. Flimsy and stupid set-up for the (flimsy and stupid) punchline. Reminds me of a "Simpsons" episode: Sideshow Bob: "Sounds like Congressman Les Weinan needs to do more thinkin' and less whinin'!" Lisa: "There's no congressman Les Weinan..."

♥ 40, All Music: Mildly entertaining but tremendously taxing.

ERROR. I've listened to this album three times today and boy are my ears tired.

♥ 20, Popmatters: Fergie prances, preens, moans, talks and raps, but the result is canned and sterile.

ERROR. She sure is working hard for that 20. Anyway, "canned" and "sterile" do not compute. What do these words actually mean? Perhaps my English not so good.

And finally, here's my blurb for Metacritic:

♥ 80s ("electrobangin'"), Cure for Bedbugs: Fergie preens and moans tremendously while her emotional earthenware baggage is inspected with exceptional randomness, like two diverse cartoon kittens (minus two = the same number as no Black Eyed Peas) drunk on 80% shopahol and 20% canned eclecticity. Successfully blurs the line between annoying and alluring!