Thank the Voice

...For postponing what might be the single greatest post in the history of this blog (excluding an upcoming guest essay on Skye Sweetnam's cover of "Wild World") so that I can pick apart an article on Disney-pop. Not that angry about it, but it's so detached and flippant that I actually think I hate it MORE than an average lazy article about it. Or maybe I'm just itchin' to blog what with the GREATEST IDEA OF ALL TIME waiting in the wings like a buncha hyperactive hyperglycemic SUPERSTARS (hint hint hint hint).

Anyway, here's the link to the piece by Lindsey Thomas. Creepy old man, ATTACK!

The teenage heroes of The Cheetah Girls 2, a Disney Channel movie about an aspiring girl group, are clearly destined to live in the spotlight, though it might be shining down on a stripper pole.

Creepy old men, indeed. Y'know, invoking a mythical lecherous audience hiding in the shadows, even as a jokey aside, doesn't somehow absolve you from saying creepy things yourself. Granted, she's just talking about their names, but STILL.

As for the vacantly inspirational [High School Musical] soundtrack, with sales reaching 3.3 million units as of December 1, it's poised to be the best-selling album of 2006.

"Vacantly inspirational!" --Village Voice...I really hate this condescending tone, and it peeks out just enough all through this piece to really rub me the wrong way. It's also apparent in some recent pieces in the Times about Jingle Ball (which apparently had record low sales, a fact that wasn't mentioned in either the preview or follow-up). If you're gonna make an argument for vacancy, make it, but don't act like it's understood is all I'm saying.

Disney has long been a factory for teen pop stars, but Britney and Justin's roles as normal, everyday students were never put on display. Today you'll be hard-pressed to find a Disney Channel character who doesn't have to worry about the occasional science project.

GRARGH. Britney and Justin are not from the "Disney factory" -- they obviously have a history with Disney, but there IS a Disney factory, which isn't mentioned even once in this article. That factory is actually a relatively recent phenomenon, and dates back to 2002 at the absolute earliest, but essentially it's been running at full steam for a little over two years. Hollywood Records gets about ZERO mention in any of these crapped out trend pieces, and it's absolutely the center of the story, if we're talking about "well, gee, how did this even happen?"

As for that last part, has this person even seen the "Baby One More Time" video? First shot: TAPPING PENCIL DURING A TEST WAITING FOR THE BELL! Britney's got academic woes, too!

But the lack of creativity isn't as important as the content. Song after song delivers the same message: Push the limits; live out your dreams; let nothing stand in your way.

That bit follows a comparison along the lines of Grease : HSM :: "Hannah Montana" : "Jem" :: Cheetah Girls : Josie and the Pussycats. Which makes a few major errors in setting up a foundation for unoriginality, including but not limited to: (1) High School Musical might be BETTER than Grease to the extent that it isn't fetishizing and wimpifying a whole pop culture era, and is perhaps a significant document of its OWN era, although it might not be a version of this era that most non-Disney-friendly people are going to want to acknowledge; (2) Cheetah Girls are nothing at all like Josie and the Pussycats -- plus, there WAS a J&TP recently (feat. Kay Hanley), and it was awesome; (3) I don't remember "Jem" at all, I suppose that could be a fair comparison, but it's not like the idea is unprecendented.

If the girls attract any creepy old dudes, it's purely incidental. The ladies are gunning for the same demographic that used to fall for prefab boybands and now wants nothing more than completely fictional groups and scripted drama that's only as scandalous as your average homeroom spat.

Well, they don't attract me because their music sucks.

Also,

And diversity? From the look of their press photos, they've achieved the same racially ambiguous, honey-colored glow that Mariah Carey's been rocking for years.

Repeating myself but what the hell...why do so many writers think that by merely suggesting (or winking at) some sinister monolothic marketing system they'll somehow be off the hook for the racist/sexist things that come out of their own mouths? Maybe I'm reading too much into this quote, but I don't think that Mariah's "racial ambiguity" was planned. (Not even that ambiguous -- it's not listed under "honey-colored" on the chart, but Mariah's mother is Irish-American and her father is Afro-Venezuelan, according to Wiki.

OK, I'm done with this, stay tuned for tomorrow's post that will probably change the world.

EDIT: Other Disney related things while I'm pokin' around this post, Ashley Tisdale offering some solo clips on her Myspace. Underwhelmed, but I'll reserve judgment for the full songs.

Also, my Aly/AJ prediction is RIGHT ON THE MONEY if "Greatest Time of Year" peaks (online) this week. It's at #3, in just the way I described! Who wants to start a betting pool?