#9 HOTTIE OF THE YE-AH!!!!! ...Uh, the bear.
The Best Films of the Year in the Order That I Remember Them
Armoured Bear: The Film: Truly mind-boggling. Will actively avoid the original books so that the utter insanity of the cobbled-together scraps will retain its potency. The people I saw this with had a totally sober conversation about its resemblances and lack thereof to the original text. All I could do was babble maniacally about how CRAZY IT WAS. And laugh. **1/2
Grindhouse: Sorry, no splitting. So Tarantino's contribution gets two stars, Rodriguez's contribution gets four stars, and the trailers bump it up to three & a half. ***1/2
Harry Potter Whatever: Damn, these kids are getting old, aren't they? I liked the McCarthyite Wizard and Helena Bonham Carter (all thirteen seconds of her). Didn't so much like: everything responsible for furthering ye olde exposition. SNOOZE. **1/2
No Country For Old Men: Fills the ambiguous genre pastiche w/ half-assed "real world"/"political" pretensions spot that Children of Men filled last year, but is too smart to wildly succeed in spite of itself. Good for the Javier/whatzizface cat 'n' mouse, which admittedly takes up about 70% of the film. Also: Mexican drive-by anticlimax was golden. ***
There Will Be Blood: Just kidding, the preview was sold out so I haven't seen it. But deserves an honorable mention because we got to say "I guess there won't be any blood after all" when we got to the theater. *
28 Weeks Later: Evokes Romero like no other zombie flick I've seen this decade (um, didn't actually see the REAL ROMERO ONE, which I hear is good), in that all characters' survival is up for grabs from about minute ten. Also, the humans kill WAY more humans than the zombies do (actually reminded me a bit of Day of the Dead, which is underrated for its pretty convincing army/zombie nihilism and last-minute gore blast). ***1/2
Superbad: Was this originally called Supergay? I bet it was. Yay for the unavoidable supersexualization of Michael Cera (more effective than Daniel Radcliffe and/or Zac Efron), sexiest teengirlstar of the year by some margin. ***1/2
Ratatouille: Haters missed the point of the critic character's revelation in this one: HE FOUND A WAY TO MAKE SOME REAL FUCKING MONEY AT THIS GIG. I.e., a combination of shameless merchandising (but not frozen food, no, never frozen food) and destroying the impulse to publish any negative (or insightful) criticism. Chatchkas and platitudes = $$$$$$$$$$ = we ("we") have all learned a valuable lesson from this film!!!!! ***
PS, The Beaties' "Ride the Pump, Diabitches!" T-shirts are still available. And so's you can get in on this trend before all the kids won't tell you what it really means, SUPERMANDATHO-style:
"riding the pump" is when you blindly give yourself a boatload of insulin and then eat lots of candy and cake to prevent yourself from going into insulin shock
^This straightforward explanation 4 the fogeys will be ERASED, so commit to memory now.
Knocked Up: I've gotta be honest, this movie really wasn't very good. **1/2
I'm Not There: I've gotta be honest, this movie really wasn't very good. **
Final List:
1. 28 Weeks Later
2. Superbad
3. Grindhouse
---List becomes "qualified approval"
4. Ratatouille
5. ARMOURED BEAH
6. No Country for Old Men
7. After an embarrassing mispronunciation, Harry Potter fails to SUPERMAN dat ho and ends up giving her a good George-Hamilton-style bronzing.
---List becomes "yikes"
8. Do I really have to put KNOCKED UP this high on the list?
9. And the Bob Dylan movie? (I think I'll put LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD here instead.)
10. Did I even see ten movies this year? (I refuse to put Year of the Dog, Because I Said So, or For Your Consideration on this list, even by default.)
No comments:
Post a Comment