Feeeeeeeeeeeeelings

1.

2.

I like Panda Bears, sure, but POLAR BEARS are better. Specifically: I AM AN ARMOURED BE-AH!!!!!!!!!

Which brings us to TEENPOPMOVIE that I saw, The Golden Compass (never read the books), a children's film in which (SPOILERS BELOW):

(1) Nicole Kidman hits on children before threatening them with castration/mutilation (it's just a...little...cut...) PS her monkey strokes a ferret!!!!

(2) A large bear KNOCKS THE MUTHERFUCKIN JAW off another large bear and then rips out his juggalor. And, after his Mortal Kombat finishing move, proceeds to do a Tekken "KO" pose. Y'know, when you play as those bigass be-ahs.

(3) The Narrator from The Big Lebowski chastises said polar bear for drinkin' too much whiskey.

(4) The costume designers decide to emphasize the first couple letters in the fantasy race of "gyptian" by bringing out the sortsa ethnic stereotypes Hilary Duff hilariously employed to bitch-slap her step-mom in "Gypsy Woman."

(5) Suddenly, and without warning, a large horde of Cossacks are introduced to re-enact the final battle in X-Men 3. They actually speak Russian.

(6) So, apparently, everyone has a DAEMON (spirit animal sorta thing), and if you kill a daemon, you kill the bad guy attached to the daemon. Makes sense in a fantasy genre sorta way, but the visual impact of this is that the GOOD GUYS take shotguns and KILL THE BAD GUYS' DOGS. Like, they have the bad guy in their sights and then think, wait, shortcut! And target a pooch and BLAM!

(7) When a bad guy or good guy dies, a buncha gold dust (some metaphor for God's Nietzschean living impairment in the book that doesn't translate in the film?) flies out of their orifices. Usually in children's movies, death is a little ambiguous, as we just see bad guys hitting the ground and not getting up again. In this film, there is a huge, swirling outpouring of LIFE JUICE to signify DEAD. It's kind of crazy.

What I'm basically trying to say is that this is (unintentionally) at least the fourth best movie of the year. And I kind of hated it! But I do want to see it again.

3. Other movies I have watched recently:

28 Weeks Later: Best zombie movie in like ten years. Blows the original outta the water.

Year of the Dog: What if, instead of animals, Molly Shannon took a sudden interest in saving the lives of, like, FETUSES? Would we still be expected to cheer when she hops on a bus to go off to a political rally?

Golden Compass: WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THIS YET? At this rate they won't even make the sequel!!!!

4. Other music I've thought about recently:

Ummmmmmmm, no idea. You start.

5. Other stuff I've thought about recently:

I should probably start trying to write something, y'know, good. Like once a month or so. We'll see. I wonder if I actually have anything to say about this: