1) Alone in the Dark: The reviews are more interesting than the movie, except for a few choice bits of dialogue that I will transcribe below, thus saving you the trouble of even considering watching this. I bet anyone and everyone five dollars that at least three Ithaca College sophomores spend over one thousand dollars to do the five-minute version of this film, sans CGI. Or maybe not, the kids are ca-razy for those After Effects these days.
2) Downfall: The first German film to depict Hitler's final hours was somehow theoretically worse than Alone in the Dark (whose creators' only real sin was total incompetence). Masterfully crafted as a narrative, Downfall is still an effrontery to the dignity and intelligence of anyone who might want to acknowledge the fall of Hitler's regime and the end of WWII respectfully, somberly, and thoughtfully (the film is lacking in all three categories). It's also downright offensive to Jews and Russians, who are conveniently ignored and dehumanized, respectively. Note to filmmakers: both groups suffered far greater losses and weren't Nazis. I think this is as close as we'll get to the German version of Black Hawk Down.
Honestly, what was the point of making this film? What are we supposed to take away from it? Are we not really supposed to feel anything, just observe (which we aren't, given the incessant, manipulative visual and aural cues -- aside from which, ambiguity is not the same thing as profundity, or even pointfulness, which should really be a word)? Is the "point" simply that Nazis are people, too? Hey, I knew that already, and so does anyone else who might have even the remotest interest in seeing this film. Oh, and I also knew Hitler was a vegetarian.
There is absolutely no reason this film should have been made, except maybe for the combined total of two minutes of interview footage with Hitler's secretary, Traudl Junge, that bookend the film. Here, I'll save you the trouble (again): She's sorry she did it and she didn't realize it was THAT many dead at the time. The footage is from Blind Spot by Andre Heller, a film I will now actively seek out. This seems to be the only usefulness of Downfall's existence, but then there are movie guides out there, too.
If this is the best the Germans can do with their own disgraceful history, they may want to leave it to French documentarians. Or leave it to books. And don't get me started on the appropriation of Holocaust imagery -- some of it from other (better? equally unnecessary?) narrative films about the end of the war. THIS IS HISTORY!!! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!
3) Hey, I just remembered Cold Mountain exists. Please disregard previous rant. Also, if you really did skip that huge #2 up there, the New Yorker said it better (shock!).
We get the point: Hitler was not a supernatural being; he was common clay raised to power by the desire of his followers. But is this observation a sufficient response to what Hitler actually did? “Downfall” is an expensive, full-scale re-creation of life in the bunker. Himmler, Goebbels, Speer —- they are all here, the entire fascinating, loathsome crew of commanders, mad visionaries, and toadies (all brilliantly acted), but never has the Nazi era seemed so close to banality or, in an odd way, to reassurance. ...The attempt to re-create Hitler in realistic terms has always been morally and imaginatively questionable, a compromise with the unspeakable, and it still is.
Yeah, Nazis are assholes. Further proof straight from the horse's reunited fatherland...
4) OK, now the good stuff. From Uwe Boll's totally-not-at-all-Ed-Wood-like-but-actually-just-really-awful Alone in the Dark:
***
[Christian Slater talks to a boy who looks about 12 but is apparently supposed to be 6]
Boy: My mommy says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
CS: Your mother's wrong, kid. Bein' afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive.
***
[In extraneous voice-over]
CS: Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it can't kill you.
And then...
CS: Fear is what protects you from the things you don't believe in.
***
[Old man on ship who is about to be arbitrarily bludgeoned with a pipe expounds on Native Americans]
Man: The Abkani was the first people to use gold to house their valuables. They believed it had the power to contain evil spirits. Nowadays we can't even remember why we valued gold in the first place.
***
[Slater on the phone]
CS: I need you to look up some information.
Man: Well, they'll kill me if they find out. [Beat] But lemme check...
***
[The results of the deadly info search]
Man: Nothing much in common, except they all grew up in the same orphanage. Yours.
***
We'll end on a high note -- let there be Blood, Sweat and Tears for all! (This song is dedicated to today's physical. ...Too morbid?)
Blood, Sweat, & Tears - And When I Die
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