IT'S VANESSA -- BITCH.
1. So Janelle Monae's album is basically Andre 3000 and Mira Craig collaborating to do Joe's Garage. At least from listening to the first three of five songs released from Metropolis, which is some kind of EP song suite bullshit.
Radiohead take note: THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Here's why: EVEN IF YOU DO THE BEST ALBUM EVER, NO ONE CAN REALLY COUNT IT AS AN ALBUM. BECAUSE IT'S AN EP. AND NOT AN ALBUM.
I mean maybe if every song was fifteen minutes long, I could count it. But it's a suite. One of like four or something. I'm not even paying attention to it because I'm so pissed off that IT IS NOT AN ALBUM. But rather FIVE SONGS. And two of them don't even COUNT (one's an intro and the other's a glorified skit).
Should note that Mira Craig and Andre 3000 doing Joe's Garage is immensely appealing to me. This might put me in a minority. It's unfolding about as well as I expected it to so far, and if she kept it up over, y'know, the course of an album, it'd be in my top ten on principle alone. But alas.
2. So Kanye West's albums seems pretty good after four tracks (and that includes "Stronger," which I still don't like). Plus I've already heard "Barry Bonds" and "Good Life," which are both good. I will likely listen to this album in its entirety at least once. But will I care?
3. Missed Skye Friday this week in favor of a temper tantrum that has once again led to a pretty good conversation. She has a new single out, if ya hadn't heard. It's called "Human." It's good. I dunno what I was expecting (wasn't that, but wasn't not that, either). Sounds a bit like Britney (I still dig Britney/Max Martin as an influence, but maybe not that direct an influence. She can sing tho). From the sound of a recently-surfaced live show, "Music Is My Boyfriend" should be pretty massive. "Ghosts" may or may not be a trainwreck. Good or bad variety? Hm.
4. Meanwhile, Britney also sounds a bit like Britney, if slightly moreso. But not as much as Marie Serneholt did last year. Or Ashley Tisdale for about fifteen seconds on her album from this year. IT'S ASHLEY, BITCH. NO, NO, NOT ASHLEE, ASHLEY WITH A "Y." ...TISDALE. FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL...THAT DISNEY MOVIE. NO, IT'S NOT A SHOW; IT'S A TV MOVIE. I MEAN, IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT, WHEN YOU SAY "TV MOVIE" IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST SAYING...DO YOU HAVE KIDS? THEY PROBABLY KNOW WHO I AM. ASHLEY-WITH-A-"Y"...I MEAN THEY DON'T CALL ME THAT, I'M JUST CLARIFYING. YEAH, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, RIGHT...NO, THAT IS NOT ME IN THOSE PICTURES, THAT'S VANESSA -- I DON'T KNOW. I SAID I DON'T KNOW. WHAT? NO. I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER...LOOK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SIDETRACKED HERE. I'M ALSO ON A DISNEY SHOW, THE ONE WITH THE TWINS. NO, THAT'S THE PARENT TRAP. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN...? LINDSAY WAS LIKE TWELVE IN THAT MOVIE. HAYLEY WHO? HOW OLD ARE YOU? AND YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS? NO, NO, NO, NO, LOOK THIS ISN'T WORKING. JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT THAT A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM. BITCH.
5. Oh, I didn't say anything about my favorite Vanessa Hudgens song. It's called "Don't Talk." I thought it was about sex, but now I think it's about the kinds of girls who went out with me on a dare in middle school. And now look at 'em...DIRTY PICTURES FOR THEIR EFFEMINATE BOYFRIENDS. ALL OVER THE INTERNET. I don't mean to gloat, but, uh, I've got way more respectable ways of gettin' my innernet celebrity on. You think he's just gonna meet you at the movie theater and sit behind you one or two rows, like oh, what are you doing here, heh heh well I guess maybe I'll see you after Volcano is over so my friends can SNICKER AT YOU. And I can just IGNORE YOU. Look, don't act like you ever cared about me, all right? You can break up with me, I don't even care. I'm not saying I'm GLAD those pictures got out, I mean, that's kind of a shitty thing to have happen (even though you probably sorta planned it to get out of your Disney contract -- that part was pretty smart), but c'mon, it's not like I'm going to go outta my way to support you after this mindgame bullshit. Like you've got a friggin' restraining order against me when you were the one who INVITED ME out in the first place, and now you're talking shit and acting like you're so far above me, well GUESS WHAT, it turns out other people are interested in me, too! Many years later, right, but that's why I've got something called HINDSIGHT. Er, foresight. I have something that gets me through this sorta humiliation, generally related to my being the bigger person.
It occurs to me that no guy could ever write the counter-teenpop song (relegated to bonus track) about how it turns out he didn't actually want to have SEX with you in the first place, just wanted to have a good time and go to the mall or something, yeah, I mean you can invite your friends, whatever. Just wanted to like HOLD HANDS. That's all. And is now totally ashamed of himself because of your cold-ass ambivalence. YOU were the one who brought all that crazy shit up, seriously, I mean I still got excited when we talked on the phone or whatever and you told me about that science teacher that everyone else hated, too, so I probably heard that story from one of my closer friends already (I had a life before this, y'know) and was just happy to hear you talk about anything; you could have recited something from a recipe book for all I cared. You were chewing gum, I think, that was nice, too. I wasn't even thinking about that stuff yet until you wrote a song about it and pretended you did it all as a joke or something just to save face with YOUR friends (oh, right, it's all about me talking to MY friends, like my friends give a shit -- WE PLAY VIDEO GAMES IN THE BASEMENT). Late bloomer, right, but jeez my life wasn't half as complicated before all this shit.
But wait a second, what are you, eighteen? Shouldn't you be in college? So basically not only are there no "secret relationships" anymore but you're gonna blast that shit all over THE FACEBOOK anyway. Maybe that's where the pictures came from. Now I don't feel so sorry for you. Whatever, it was a k-shitty "dare" and my feelings were hurt. Maybe I won't hold it against you someday.
6. Hey, Electric Six are pretty funny. Huh.
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